Ten years ago, when I first came to Australia, I had no money, no friends, no family, and no English. I came here with so many dreams, but only one goal, to succeed. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t fail, no matter what. One thing I did have though, I had a boyfriend because on my very first night in Perth, I met a guy from New Zealand and he wasn’t really a great guy and he definitely wasn’t handsome and he wasn’t funny either and don’t ask me why, but somehow we start talking and very, very quickly we became boyfriends and girlfriends. 

And in my mind back then, he was all I had. So that would have to do. A lot of people ask me why I actually came to Australia. And my answer has changed along the years. Because of course I came here to learn English, which I’m still learning as you can see. But to be honest, I wanted to succeed in my career as a journalist in my country and that’s why I needed to learn English, but I wouldn’t have chosen a country so far away from Brazil just to learn English. 

So I came here actually because I wanted to have different experiences and I knew those experiences would be good one and would be bad ones as well. And to be honest, I didn’t care. I just wanted to live my life fully. And I wanted to find love if it was possible to, my first years here in Australia were actually quite tough because as an international student, I had to work really, really hard to pay for my extremely expensive studies and because I had no English. 

I had to accept any type of job I could. So one of the jobs that I had, I would go door by door selling the sweets I made and the sweets were actually quite terrible, but I did it. Another job that Chris has mentioned, I did work in bikinis and sometimes sexy lingerie, serving drinks for not so great men across many pubs in WA, but it was that job that I actually learned how to speak English. 

So I guess that was worth it. But that’s also the reason why my English is so broken and so full of slangs and actually bad words. So I do apologise in advance if I throw a few fucks here and there. That was my first. Okay. I wanted to succeed, in this country really, really bad. So bad that I actually decided to start to study more. 

So I went back to uni this time to study HR and I would study like a crazy woman. And I’m talking about like 10 hours a day surviving on a diet of cheese and crackers and sometimes cheap cookies on payday. Scotch finger. They’re alright. And I’m actually really glad because my hard work actually paid off because on my fifth year here in Australia. 

I managed to find a job that I really wanted to, a job in HR, and I knew then that my life was about to get better because that was my first accomplishment in the country after five years. And actually, I was right. My life got better because a few weeks into this job, I met a beautiful guy and this guy, he was actually really tall. 

And he wore this thick-framed glasses that made him look really, really smart. And he dressed really professionally and he was really polite. And most importantly, he had this head full of strawberry blonde curls. And he actually looked like an angel. And I remember looking at him and thinking. Oh my God, like what type of girls this guy will date? 

And then I actually remember looking at myself and thinking, definitely not someone like me. But I was really, really surprised when a few weeks later, this beautiful guy invited me out, to watch a Fringe show in Fremantle. And this was January 2016. And, in the beginning, I wasn’t sure if this was a date because actually, I was still living with that New Zealand guy, the not-so-great guy. 

I was living with him in a very terrible relationship. We were not even sleeping in the same room anymore. We were pretty much separated, but really I was still with him. But, this aside, I decided to go to this fringe show and it was amazing. And after the Fringe show, this beautiful guy and I, we went for a walk and then he kissed me. 

And I remember in that kiss. What I actually thought is that I was ready to die because I was so happy and I was so in peace and I really thought that my mission in Australia was accomplished because really I had a great job and I met a very special person. So that was perfect. But of course I didn’t die. 

And a few weeks later, once we started dating. I found out that I was pregnant with this beautiful boy’s baby. And of course this came as a huge shock to me because. Honestly, like I wasn’t expecting this at all. And to be honest, I was still pretty much by myself. I didn’t have any money. I didn’t have any support. 

I didn’t even have Medicare. And this beautiful boy was actually four years younger than me and he was still living with his parents. He was actually, he had just bought a house, but he was still building this house. And this beautiful boy was actually fighting hard towards his career. He was trying to build his career just like I was. 

And in the week, that I found out that I was pregnant, speaking about career, I was offered a promotion at work, a promotion for a position that I really, really wanted to have that would make a total difference in my life. And to top it up, My visa was actually attached to my ex-partner’s visa, the guy from New Zealand, and this alone would put everything at risk. 

And I just wasn’t, I wasn’t ready to fail like this, and I really needed to do something. So I decided to tell the beautiful boy that I was pregnant, and I drove to his parent’s house. And I told him straight away, and his reaction was just to stare back at me, probably making sense of what I was telling him. 

And in that moment, honestly, there was just a few seconds, but I knew that I was by myself, that I needed to do this on my own. Because this beautiful boy… actually had the most perfect life. He had a beautiful family and I used to call him little prince and I really, I couldn’t be the one that I would put his life into this big mess. 

And I told him that he didn’t have to worry that I will do everything by myself, that I didn’t want him to be a part of this story at all. And I knew actually that this beautiful boy, one day he would meet a really special woman and they would have babies together. And. They, they will be going to their ultrasound appointments and I didn’t want, the memories of this bad time, to be impacting on his future as a father. 

And I felt like I couldn’t do that to him. So that night I drove out of his house and I knew that because I was by myself, I needed to act really, really fast. I didn’t have much time. So on the following days, I made everything for the abortion to happen. And this means. This means leaving my ex-partner’s house finally. 

So I left his house and I went to live with a friend of mine, a Brazilian girl and a lot of other international students in this house. And, I also went to a lot of doctor appointments and I also made, came up with a plan to save $1,500 to pay for the abortion. And I did that all by myself and all within one week. 

And all while going to work every single day, pretending that my life was normal because I was ready to accept that promotion. I also decided to tell my dad because. As I was here completely by myself and I felt like someone that really knew me needed to know what was going on, I felt like I needed to do this. 

So I called him and his first reaction was actually to get very excited because he would be a granddad. So I had to explain that he wouldn’t. And this wouldn’t happen, and I didn’t know back then, but my dad is very against abortion, so we had a very difficult conversation then, and of course, I felt his disappointment towards me, and this made me extremely sad. 

Less than two weeks after I found out that I was pregnant, the doctor gave me one pill to take in a safe space. And my safe space was actually the only house I had, the one that I was living with those international students and my Brazilian friends. So… that night after seeing the doctor, I locked myself in the bathroom and I spent almost one hour then and I had the most painful experience of my entire life. 

And of course, I’m talking about a lot of physical pain, but a lot of emotional pain as well. And I, I really felt for all the women that go through this and not only, because they are doing an abortion, but also because they might be miscarrying a kid. And they don’t even want to go through this. So that’s, that was very sad and this will stay with me forever. 

So I really feel for that. Once I was ready to leave the bathroom, I decided. My, my, my actually, my Brazilian friend invited me to lay down in bed with her and she put a movie on, a movie with Will Smith called Focus. And I really don’t remember much about the movie at all. I don’t even think it’s a great movie, but, it really did the job because I felt so much better just by being there with her. 

And when the movie finished, she actually looked at me and she said, Nadia. You did all of this for love and those words back then, I knew that they would be enough to make me keep going, to where I am right now. So fast forward five years, here I am telling my story now with my husband, that’s right there, a bit disguised, trying to have a baby. 

So, of course, all those memories started to come back to me because, I was still hurting from my past. That’s the truth. And because I hadn’t quite closed the cycle, I wasn’t ready to move forward. And the reason why I was hurting is because here I was so eager to welcome this new baby into my life when I hadn’t even quite said goodbye to the other baby that was trying to grow inside me. 

And in my mind, this made me. a very bad person, but I had to understand that back then my life was completely different. I was by myself. I had no money, no support. I was in this brand new relationship and, so many things were at risk, but now, now everything’s different. Now I’m here, I’m married to the most amazing man ever. 

And we actually have good jobs. We live in a nice house here in Southern River, actually. And we even have a sausage dog and two cats. So. It was only five years after my abortion that I was finally able to take time to grieve. And I’m so glad I did that because to be honest, I’m actually quite proud of my journey and how far I’ve come. 

And now I can say that I’m ready. So now. I look at my husband and I think we will have a baby together, just like we would have had five years ago, because my husband is that beautiful boy that got me pregnant a few weeks into our relationship. And I was his wife-to-be this whole time. I just didn’t know it. 

And yes, you can’t really see, but he lost all his beautiful strawberry blonde curls. He doesn’t have those, but he’s still the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you.  

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