Pip Ward

PW: So, I’ve heard this quote recently and it really resonated with me like a lot of things do. And it was an ancient, old rabbi quote about words creating worlds. And I really feel like there’s something in that, there’s real meaning in that. And it’s sort of in contrast to how I sort of grew up, I guess, like the idea that when we’re born we cry and we’re very loud.

And then for me, it was a process of, just becoming quieter, more muted. It was a case of just watching, being vigilant for my safety, being told I had too much to say for myself. Yeah. Always kind of on the lookout. Little ears turned out for heavy footsteps in the hallway and waiting for the eggshells to be scattered for tiny feet.

And, I guess. Yeah, I moved out of home when I was 17 and went to Freo and everything changed, and I realized I didn’t have to do that anymore. I met a huge bunch of like-minded people, and all artists and creative types, impressive. And, all of them are still my friends to this day. One in particular is a friend called Beth, and she’s just kind of being this rock in the moments when I didn’t have anyone.

And, we haven’t always kept like, I don’t know, just a linear kind of contact, for different reasons. But recently, I kind of would say towards the end of last year, I boycotted my own family, especially my mum. And life has just changed. I’m just a different person because I don’t have anyone kind of slapping defeat notices on my back.

And I’m just, I don’t know, I just know who I am, I just yeah, life is good. And I do think about Beth and there was this one time she had called me six months ago, and I don’t think it went that well. And then there was a message, and I’m in my room and it’s late at night, and, she says, can I talk to you?

Can we catch up? Can I call you? And I’m thinking, well, what does she want, you know, I’m a bit in that sort of dispassionate, like it’s late at night, you know, I’ve got a lot to deal with. She usually only just calls me on a birthday. And anyway, she called me, and my first sort of thing was like, has mum been in touch?

And she’s like, no, why? And I was like, well, well, that’s what she’s doing now. She’s contacting all my friends and family through, social media, trying to co-opt them, trying to, you know, manipulate situations and, I don’t know, compromise my boundary. I didn’t really say that, but it continued, and she held it really well as a good friend does, but

I was basically like, I don’t trust you. You know, like, I can’t remember exactly what was said, but it was just me having to say what I was thinking. And she was like, okay, well, I, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but, I’m just ringing to say that I’ve been diagnosed with brain mets [metastases], and, I was just ringing for some support, and she hung up and I was like, oh, God, that’s a bit grim.

Like, even for my gallows humour and nursing humour, I’m like shit. But I just sort of sat with that. You know, I didn’t have those sort of messages telling me I’m a bad person now, you know, be ashamed, you know, like she’s sick. How could I do that? I was just like mm… and she rang back straight away, pretty much. And, we just had, like, a full, proper heart to heart conversation. And I said, you know, like, my mum is a narcissist, you know? And she was like oh, it all makes sense now, you know, like, because she always had a really good understanding of human behaviour and herself had a difficult background. And I was like well what’s happening, you know, and I did say to her, I was like, this is going to sound really bad, but…. she’s like, you want the reports, don’t you?

Well, I was still not having the trust there, but it was okay with her with, you know. We finished that phone conversation and it was beautiful. And, I guess, yeah, I read the report and I’m like, yeah, she’s not long for this world.

She was the type of person, like, there was time when I was, I’d been verbally abused and it was very sudden and I guess I was sort of retraumatized and, went to my car, was sitting there. She was there with me, and I was just distraught, like a child, I guess. Just. Yeah, couldn’t believe it and couldn’t speak and just. Yeah, absolutely gutted. And she held me like a baby, you know, like you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve done nothing wrong.

And somehow, in that time period, I’ve forgotten like my past had coloured the memories like, twisted the memories of who she was. That, I was someone that loved her, and she loved me. And she was even there at, like, the traumatic birth of my last child. Like, advocating for me and changing the boys right there at the bedside when even my ex-husband had walked out and was all pale, and all these things you just never forget in a person.

So I guess, like, speaking up like that, it changed all my memories of her. And they were all now hued with this, like this love and this respect and admiration. And her trajectory since that, she has declined way quicker than we expected. And… there goes my earring…. and, she had a perforated bowel and was in a, induced coma and somehow survived that.

And then we were expecting sort of a year to 18 months, I guess, time. And, we planned a wedding for her at Mulberry Farm, and, and a lot of things were donated. The dress shop gave her, like, $2,000 off her dress. And I’m pretty sure Mulberry Farm were just going to put it all on for her.

And that was the 28th. And I rang her out of the blue last week, and she goes, oh, the cancer has come back. You know, it’s levelled up and I’m like aw, achievement unlocked, but not the best achievement you know. And that’s when it really hit, you know? And in that time, she told me that she was honoured that I said those things to her in the, in the phone conversation.

And that during that time in conversation, she said that all this time she’d been intimidated by me, by what I’d achieved, you know, like raising three children and a mortgage. And I’d become like a nurse now. And I was like, wow, I’d never want to be intimidating to one of my own friends. But like, it makes sense, you know?

And it really helped my self-pride. And she was also at my wedding; when everyone was drunk, my mum fell into my veil and broke it and my maid of honour was ridiculous. Like, useless. Beth was there standing up, doing it all, primping me like. And so, she got married in the hospital yesterday because we don’t think that she would make it to the 28th.

And it was such a beautiful day in a outside gazebo with all her family and her beautiful man and me and my eldest came and we bought a guitar and Rose started playing some classical, and I sort of feel like we brought a bit of a, I don’t know, a bit of spark or life to something that’s kind of semi confronting.

And yeah in the end, we’re like jamming with the cousins and, the nurse brought in orange juice for like our drinks and stuff on trays, which was so, so nice. And it was in the end, it was just, it really this whole time has been like this cyclic nature of life and the beauty of life and death and what matters, you know, like, because, yeah, I’ve learned from the last few months that it’s worth just saying the things that people wait till the death bed before to say because, you know, magic happens.