Hi, my name is, I prefer to be called Raf or Rafa. It’s easier on me. So I decided to do this story because I was trying to figure out something to talk about and around last month I think was definitely brought it into focus. So when I was trying to think about, what could I talk about regarding last year in 2020, and so I went into this, I’m trying to think what could I talk about and that I have not already talked about regarding 2020. And so I think I wanted to address the fact that yes, I’m also autistic. And the thing about autistic people that a lot of people often conceive the idea of is that we don’t like being touched or we don’t have emotions. The thing I like to address, the fact is that I am a hugger and I love hugs, and a hug is what usually gets me through the most stressful and most anxious times in my life. 

And so how I framed this story is that as I remembering what happened to me last year, last year I was moving out from the first time in my life out of my family home. And coincidentally, my dad just reminded me today that on Monday, this Monday coming will be a year ago when I was moved into my new apartment. So that was a lot to remember, but around the time I moved last year, I was also because there was a lot of stress trying to think about furniture and such, but also the fact that I was also dealing with juggling two jobs at the time. But then the pandemic happened and I was forced into my apartment abruptly and reluctantly. And also I was made redundant in both jobs. Now what happened was, and when I needed that support, and especially when I need that hug, and I was a bit denied that because of the social distancing and isolation. 

Now this, in light of what happened last month when we had that little mini lockdown last month, it reminded me because it coincidentally happened to me, something happened to me back in New York in 2017, in February. It was the last time I went overseas actually. And I remembered when it was that time when I lost my phone, my wallet and my passport at J.F.K in so, combined with jet lag and lack of initiative from the other passengers, I remembered I was getting really stressed because the only, because I also checked that the only form of ID I had on me was the itinerary, my sister’s credit card details. So that way I can have a roof over my head and my old iPod. So when I was booking into the hotel and I was really frazzled and stressed, I remembered that I was with the fear that from the concierge telling me that they can only book me in for one night and if the credit card details don’t add up. So I had that fear of being kicked out the next day. So the next day I was also back and forth with using the Wi-Fi on my iPod to be able to contact my family overseas. And so back home in Perth. So as you can see, my sisters are just standing there, so it’s wave high. 

So my sister, Raquel, she offered to take an emergency flight to help me out. I was desperate, so I just said yes. And on the other side, my parents also contacted friends and family because we’re Latinos, we have a big connection, a big community. My mom contacted a family friend of hers and who contacted her friend in New York. And my dad, he contacted his cousin in El Salvador who had a daughter living in Long Island, New York. So it was just coincidence.. rare because we never really knew. I didn’t really knew much about that. I had family in New York, we had some in other places, but it was a rarity that we found out, oh, we had family in New York. After all, I remembered that day on Valentine’s Day, it was Valentine’s Day. So it was the day after I came in. I remembered that I was so traumatised by what happened that I didn’t eat the whole day. 

I was pale. I was so in complete shell shock. And also the fruitless phone calls to the lost and found apartment from J.F.K because clearly they didn’t find my stuff. And then I finally got to meet my distant cousins who are really lovely ladies, and I think we were able to, being with familiar family people, so sorry, mumbled. So after we went out, because I haven’t eaten, and so after I finally felt a little bit better, they let me some money and I think I was given some advice while my sister was in flight that just to spend some time just to relax. So what I did was the day before my sister came, I just went around through Central Park, and this was during winter, so it was the snow coverage, the grass, and it was also really nice and quiet. And also the winter air was really, it was felt therapeutic. 

And so I felt that. So for a few hours, I didn’t feel like I was completely stressed out. It was probably a few hours later when I met up with my sister in the lobby at the hotel, and we went to her hotel room and we just chatted for a bit. I finally dropped my guard and I broke down in tears. And just being able to get a hug from her sort of helped me feel a little bit better from all of that. And so the next few days we had to go through a lot of things, like we had to talk to the embassy and she actually found better connections to the Lost and Found or to the Port Authority, and they were able to, we didn’t learn this later until after we got an emergency passport from me, but they found my stuff, everything intact and nothing stolen. 

So it was just miracle or relief. And at the round a few times we also, we were able to get to know our distant relatives and while we were there, even going to Chelsea, which was really nice. So then I thought that made me feel better. And so I hope to myself, I vowed one day to go back to redeem myself after what happened in that time. And I thought this time I was aware, what I was aware of was that those events left me with a huge, a scar, mental scar that reminded me of what happened, but also it almost felt like traumatic, like a trigger. So I didn’t think it happened and I didn’t really get bothered by it because for years I thought I was fine after that, around last year and also in conjunction with last month, because last month I didn’t feel anything. But to tell you why I didn’t feel anything last month and compared to last year was that last year, just as I was going through all that move and also while still working at a job, one that I liked and one that just helped me pay the bills. 

It was the first two weeks felt so stressful and I was like and because especially when they added the social distancing and the isolation, the fact that when I needed that hug really badly and I couldn’t get it from my family members, I remembered I was still on an inflated couch, which I still have by the way. And I remember being in that inflated couch on the first few nights in my apartment that I broke down again, but because it also felt like it reopened that old scar from New York. And so I just felt like I couldn’t stop control, I couldn’t control the tears. It just kept flowing and flowing. And it’s like every time I think of trying to think, it just keeps coming back like on replay. So I’m just trying to remember where else. I think just for the two months before the phase one thing I remember that I was trying to make ends meet, trying to do some hobbies to let my mind pass the time. 

Of course, I also developed the unhealthy habit of hovering near the fridge and the cabinets because there was nothing much I could do. And that resulted in me gaining some weight that I’ve been trying really hard to lose so far. I think I remembered was that it was just constantly, that was just how it was for two months. And then before the phase one happened, I remember it was that my mom, the only way she could contact, she could communicate with me either by phone call and getting used to those Zoom chats, but that was with regarding other stuff. But I remembered that she could only meet me at the apartment parking lot and only through her car that she could talk to me. I really wanted to get a hug from her so badly, but I couldn’t. So getting the clothes and some extra stuff and then suddenly my mom just got out the car as if by instinct. 

And the thing was, it was like a, because this was the day I got my long overdue hug that I’ve had to deal with, not, I’ve been lacking for two months. And so we were worried that if anyone was going to look and maybe rat us out to, oh, because oh, you’re supposed to keep your distance or such, but it was like we, and we just had that long overdue hug that I really craved. And I remember the choking feeling in my throat and the tears started pouring down. It was like the two months of stress had finally started to wash away. I remember that both me and my mom were also tearing up because we were both really, and I do remember that it just felt a relief afterwards. So when phase one was implemented and up to 10 people in a house, and that was my family, that was my parents, me, my sisters, my older sisters family, her husband and her three boys and my other sister and her boyfriend. So it was just us and we had to do the whole social distancing as per regulations, and even my nephews had to understand that. But I remembered the first family night was that my youngest nephew, Matthew, who was seven, he didn’t understand at the time what was going on. He missed all of us because we’ve been social distancing for two months and he just gave all of us a warm little cuddle each. And so it felt so nice to be able to get that again. 

And so… like I said, talking about it more, it’s kind of less than the blow of the anxiety that I used to have, especially last month, how I didn’t feel it anymore. But I think what I like to tell about is that since those, because reminding myself of what happened to me in New York and what happened last year, shows that I’ve been able to get through that and that I’ve developed that resilience and that mostly, yes, I don’t show many physical scars, but I have a lot of the emotional ones. But those emotional scars can easily be remedied by a simple hug. And sometimes if you know someone that really needs that hug badly, you just give it to them. And so for me, the way I can end this is that I still do have those scars, those anxiety scars, but they don’t hurt as much as before. 

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